Insecurity Dream #458

So when i'm really stressed i seem to dream terrible dreams. Right now i'm stage managing the summer show at Showtimers and it's beyond stressful. so bring on the dreams!

Saturday night i had a reoccurring "theme" pop up. I dream that i'm sitting in Jeanie's chair getting my hair cut. i'm crying. i tell her i'm not sure where matt is. he left me. He won't return my calls and he's no where to be found. He hasn't told me why he's left but for some reason i know it's something i've done, i just can't figure out what.

*** now when i have a heartache dream like this, i have physical symptoms. i can feel the heartache. i can feel the pain in my heart. i can feel the tears rolling down my face, even thought they're not really there. it's a multi- sensual experience that i'd just rather not have.***

Cut to the next scene i can remember. i'm with my friend Brooks. He's always in these heartbreak dreams as the one who has some sort of news for me. we're at CI and i'm crying. i don't know what to do and all i want is to be with matt and for him to tell me it's all ok, but i haven't seen nor heard of him in weeks. Brooks tells me he's moving on without me. He's gotten himself an apartment. B writes down the address for me in hopes that i can see him and alleviate my heartache.

i spend a lengthy amount of time looking for him (which usually happens in these dreams). i'm searching for him. walking over the whole city with this pain in my heart. i can't find him. he's completely shoved me out without so much as a word and i still can't figure out what i've done. i'm searching my brain... what have i done? i finally see him in the distance with another girl. i physically feel like my heart is going to burst. i can feel the hot tears on my cheeks. i call out to him and he runs from me.

it's at about this time i make myself wake up because the pain is too much. i wish i could realize i'm in a dream earlier so i can just wake up and try to forget it, but this is usually when i stop and wake up.

i have a dream similar to this in my old dream book. i need to type that out and compare it.

usually when i have a dream like this, matt can tell right away. i seem upset when i wake up, i want lots of hugs and attention and i might even cry a little. he gets really angry. he'll make comments about me being crazy and insecure. most of the time he makes it worse. it took me about 5 hours Sunday morning to kick the rejected feeling from the dream and the attitude from real life matt. i hate when dreams rock my whole day.

i'm getting a lump in my throat just thinking about it now.