Unhealthy subliminal obsession

i think my dreams have an unhealthy obsession with my first boyfriend, Robert Hutton. i've written about him before.

the other night i dreamed i ran into his sister, April. we were fast friends again and i told her something i never thought about... that i still had a thing for her brother. She said he was at her house. When we arrived, i was nervous. i opened the door and there he was. he was still so good looking. he hugged me and i could feel fire between us. then of course it turned into a naughty dream and we did it. my dreams have a one track... mind.

*Matt's gotta pee so i wake up!* **i'm a really light sleeper**

when i fall back asleep i have the same dream. April. Fast friends. Rob at her house. except this time, he sees me and is repulsed. he tells me i'm ugly, just like i was when we were little and he was right to break up with me. he cusses me. degrades me. makes me cry.

This time i made myself wake up.

i don't understand my brain. why do i have this compulsion to dream of Rob when i haven't seen him in so long? we were kids when we "dated". we didn't even go to school together. after i dream of him, i almost always go into a frenzy of looking for him online. today i found his sister. i wanted to email her but i haven't yet. i can't find a trace of him online. i wonder if... he's dead.